Don’t go. It’s crap. In fact, it’s worse than Disneyland Paris. Apart from the rip off ticket (£37 per adult), you pay double in extras. Food costs are sky high. A humble kit kat for example is 70p. A meal for 2 + 1 kids meal is £27. There are additional costs for the trampolines and they try and sell you photographs. They would even sell you a photo of you on the bog if they had the chance. Unlike many of the chavs who congregate around the bar, Alton Towers staff will find your child for £3 as you get pi$$ed up. 

This is chav infestation at it’s best. Constant abuse and swearing in front of children. Every sentence has the word “fu$k” inserted. Spitting is rife. For example, queing for the log flume, the chavs shout out to innocent member of the public – “it’s official, you’re a cock sucker”. One plebian couple decided to simulate oral sex whilst waiting in the queue. 

There are no staff around. No security. Just people waiting to rip you off as you purchase another photograph. 

Don’t waste your money on this embarrassing copy of Disneyland. It’s absolute crap.

Everyone highlights Brown’s plan to tackle the global crisis? Is this a joke? The man who is bankrupting the United Kingdom? It doesn’t take a CSE in Maths to work out that you can’t borrow your way out of debt and that you need to pay the debt back? Whose going to pay for this debt? Yes, it’s the middle classes (again).

Anyway, I’m just fed up about David Miliband. This man has never had a proper job and he represents the United Kingdom on the world stage. David Miliband is the worst Foreign Secretary in political memory. Can you actually remember any major global impact he has made? No – I thought not. He only became Foreign Sec because Brown could have lost the leadership election. The world is in global crisis – Sudan, Zimbabwe, Afghanistan, Chechny etc etc and at a time that the United Kingdom needs to show serious leadership on the world stage and an opportunity to send a Sir Malcolm Rifkind, Douglas Hurd, David Owen or Paddy Ashdown.

So who do we send? Yes, we send Bananaman.

He’s a crap Foreign Sec, but he likes bananas.

David Miliband, 22 Acacia Avenue.

Why are we sending this boy to do a man’s work?

The Disney theme parks in the United States are very popular. Having been to California and Florida (the best) we decided to take the children to Disneyland Paris expecting the same level of quality, service and adventure – we were wrong. 

Disneyland Paris is modeled on Disneyland Magic Kingdom in the USA. The same rides are here, the same characters and the same extortionate prices, but the magic has been removed, the feel is not the same – it’s been ruined.

I have only been to 1 other theme park so badly run – Gullivers World in Warrington – and it was closed. Note. Drayton Mangor Park near Birmingham is superb – visit this theme park.

This park has unrelenting chaos, diabolical customer service and unwelcoming. Instead of having a stress free few days away, you become even more stressed at what awaits.

We booked into the Sequina Lodge (one of the 3 main hotels close to the park). Hideous and unwelcoming, the decor has been taken from a 2 star B&B in Hartlepool, but a more unwelcoming spactacle awaits – the continuous abuse of manners, common sense and complete lack of organisation.

From the moment you go downstairs to breakfast, it’s unrelenting. Thousands of Spanish and French unsuperised children roam like a biblical plague sweeping the Magic Kingdom, they deposit tens of thousands of rude, ill-mannered and discourteous queue jumping chavs into the park. With no sense of pride, common sense or manners, these kids are everywhere. It all got too much for one British family queuing for the Twilight Zone ride – aware that a young french kid was queue jumping (nothing new there), the father blocked the way, turned to the young frog and blurted out in an Essex accent – “oi you, back to the queue NOW!” For a country whose only contribution to the world is chopping up onions, they need to sort out this behaviour. 

I have to say the Dutch and the Germans behaved impacaably and a real credit to their countries. In fact, it became a common joke between these respectables whilst queuing up and watching continuous bad behaviour.

Let me tell of a typical day. Starting the day with breakfast. Every morning you come downstairs for breakfast navigating your way past the young froggy chavlings to fight for your croissant. The 2 restuarants so overloaded, it was positively dangerous. I’m not a fan of Health and Safety, but even this was extremely dangerous. Children (mostly SPAGS (SPanish AntiSocial GitS by the wife) coupled with young frogs) are everywhere – adults with hot drinks attemping to navigate back their tables without splashing Nescafe over Gonzales head, picking up food with hands and no plates provided to take back to the table. The hotel staff are nowhere to be seen and quite frankly, they don’t care anyway – they pack as many in a possible for the sake of profit.

The hotel management clearly need to attend a capacity management course. I would invite the management to sit a GCSE Mathematics exam and work out the logistics – I have 1000 guests and 2 restuarants that can hold 150 people each over a 2 hour period, how much food do I need to make, how much capacity do I need to ensure and how many people do I need to wash the plates to ensure everyone has a plate provided? I’m not joking, we only received a plate for breakfast on the last morning. 

The parks in the United States are well run, efficient and designed to maximise your enjoyment. This cannot be translated to this poor imitation. Why on earth can’t the Disney execs inject Swiss management to run this place? It would be so much better. Everyone from the management to checkout staff clearly show their resentment at having to work and gruff in a stone age cannot be arsed sort of way. In one restuarant, they wouldn’t even accept Amercian Express. A universally accepted credit card.

One memorable experience was a train ride around the park. The frog in charge of the station kept us queing for 30 mins in the rain – because he felt like it. Only then to jump onto the train which was so slow, it took another 30 mins to travel 1000m. In that time, I could have driven from London to Oxford. Then two scottish lesbians started snogging in the carriage. This is a *children’s* theme park – if you are going to display that sort of revolting behaviour, take it outside – there are children around for Pete’s sake. Fortunately, I’d already had that conversation with my 7 year old. I felt embarrasssed to be British.

Several rides broke down, the FastPass scheme has been taken over by the frogs so it doesn’t work. The most popular rides don’t even have FastPass!?!?! So, what’s the point in having FastPass? But hey it’s french so who cares? The worst ride is the Movie set ride. After it had been fixed (2 hours later), we queued in the rain and got on. Just settled down and been through a couple of sets when…. it finished! Everyone departed the bus (after 10 minutes) and we looked at each other in a bemused way. Is that it?

The shows though are excellent. The stunt show, Tarzan are the best and a real treat to see. The only show that was poor was Winnie the Pooh. For some reason Christopher Robin is now a 30 year rapping frog with a baseball cap. JayZee featuring DJ Tigger on the MC featuring the Winnie the Pooh Crew are breakin it all down… respectz to da frog. AA Milne must be crying in his grave.

This is Disney, but it’s a poor imitation. I know Paris is a quick ride on the train but I urge you to resist. Don’t degrade yourself and put yourself and family in such an unwelcoming and insulting environment. If  want a truly fantastic Disney experience with better accommodation, better food, better value for money, SPAG free and general all round adventure, hop on a plane to Florida. We are.

The 7.15am Chester to London is a Virgin train. Standard class is very pleasant, peaceful and a sense of confidence that this train can reach London by 9.30 – the same morning. Standard class is the equivalent to First Class on other carriers but First Class is outstanding. This is so good, you look forward to it. Richard Branson certainly knows how to travel and the quality speaks for iteself - a polite welcome by the door, a quality newspaper handed, the chef on board asking what you would like to eat, unlimited complimentary food and drink and quality service. When you get to London you don’t want to leave the train. It’s that good.

I was expecting a similar level of service when recently travelling from St Pancras to Sheffield on East Midlands trains. It’s an experience. It’s a not to be repeated experienced. And I went First Class.

There is something very strange here. Under the awesome spectacle of the roof at St Pancras (recently opened by the Queen), residing next to the Eurostar which arrives at the Channel Tunnel in 18 minutes, is a crap old InterCity 125. I honestly thought that someone had driven this train to the station as an exhibit loaned from a railway museum for foreign train enthusiasts to experience but the main cross country train to Sheffield. Yes, it’s the Retro Express.

This pile of junk was so old, it is older than me. When the train was commissioned, Bobby Moore was lifting the World Cup and Shawadiwaddy were top of the pops. You half expect Boney M to be playing on the loudspeakers and the staff to have afros.

Panic struck. This is not Virgin. The lure of First Class is too hard to resist. After purchasing a ticket and walking towards the train, there is no one welcoming you on board except a Bob Hoskins lookalike who doesn’t even acknowledge your First Class custom – or your face. The accompanying on board First Class staff were Baz and Mojo - who clearly haven’t been to the Marks and Spencer school of Customer Service but the worse thing about this First Class service was there is no complimentary service in First Class. Yes, I repeat again. There is no complimentary service in First Class. It is the only experience of First Class I have ever had anywhere in the world that you even have to purchase your own bag of Ready Salted. The only complimentary food and drink is tea and coffee. Not even a beer as you relax in your seat and watch Leicestershire wizz past at 38mph.

At East Midlands trains, it seems there no acknowledgement of this special status. Baz and Mojo push down a trolley taking your cash and offering out menus with such appetising meals such as turd in the hole, genetically modified bean burger and regurgitated cucumber sandwich all at cost. Yes, it’s unbelievable isn’t it? This is offered to First Class customers after paying an additional extra to travel have to pay for this food. I’m not making this up.

The look and feel of the train would not be out of place in a discotheque. You experience the warm surroundings of crisp smells, a hideous retro colour scheme (obviously the creation of Tony Hart and Morph after sniffing too much acid) and the long brown creased curtains down the windows was an especially nice touch.

It’s not just bad. It’s horrendous. Heaven knows what standard class is like. Probably, a wagon. Even Virgin Standard Class is more desireable than East Midlands First Class.

Every time the train stopped and the door was shut, you were aware the wheel could fall off. The train was late, but no-one cares. No announcements. You sink into your seat. Trapped. Alone.

Take my advice, next time you need to travel to Sheffield from London. Take the Car.

It’s as if Beelzebub himself decided employ Damien Hurst as the town planner and specifically created this monstrosity. Once he’d finished with Watford, Hull and Slough, he decided to settle for a place by the sea and created Rhyl. When you speak to people about Rhyl, they will tell you it’s grim and having spent a typical afternoon in Rhyl, the best thing I could think about was leaving.

There is just nothing in this town at all that makes you welcome and resonates of a town proud of its seaside heritage. The “Childrens’ Village” has long since boarded up. The restaurants closed and the people have left. Even “Fatty Arbuckles” has long left the only choice of calorie busting establishments such as Wimpey, KFC, McDonalds or ”Fred’s Dodgy Burgers” which the burgers strangely look like a turd sandwiched in between what appears to be bread. It was all too much for poor Mr Blobby who left the “Children’s Village” suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. There is nothing at all in the “Children’s Village” except for a few archaic fairground rides (at £1.50 a go) and er, well, nothing actually.

The promenade is a sight to behold; bingo and tatoo shops are spread in between firebombed hotels, half collapsed buildings and boarded guest houses. Venturing down to the sea, you are met with disgusting sea water – scum washing up on to the beach. There is clearly a major problem with the water which has not been resolved. The water was so bad, I had to prevent my son from entering the water but the local residents were happily splashing about until they realised they had become radioactive.

The youth pride themselves of driving around in L reg Vauxhall Novas with blackened windows and exhausts rattling on the floor.  The local youth do not treat their town with any respect either and you can hardly blame them. Cigarette butts flown from car windows, chavs spitting on the floor, discarded beer cans litter the streets and groups of yobs throwing rubbish on the floor with only 10 metres from a litter bin. I ask you, what is wrong with putting litter in the bin? Did they not teach you that at play school?

To make your visit to Rhyl even more enjoyable, the parking attendants are happy go lucky who salivate the chance of booking drivers for parking 5 mins over their allotted time in a desperate attempt to fund the improvements this town so obviously needs. The police are also busily raising revenue. Whilst the town falls to pieces and bad behaviour is rife, the Police are busy prosecuting motorists for driving at 41mph on a modern and floodlit straight dual carriageway approaching the town. There is simply no reason at all to reduce the speed limit to 40mph expect for revenue raising purposes.

You might as well erect a sign on entering the town that reads “Are you a law abiding citizen? Having a fun day out with the family? Are you middle class? Well give us your money and clear off”. I’m not joking, even the taxis don’t have hub caps.

Before I get called by Denbighshire County Council and it’s army of communist council workers, I have never met a single person who thought Rhyl was a fine and pleasant town. It’s not a judgement. It’s a statement of fact and blame must lie with the council and the government. The cost to improve the town is so much that if our Prime Minister really is “listening” and genuinely whats to improve the North Wales coastline, he could do no better than to use well earned tax payers money and start again. Yes, there is no other alternative, but to pay the Americans to nuke it from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.